Who drove nearly all the men in Lagos mad?

*wipes him Oraimo chord*

Hello, my wonderful newsletter audience. Today, I am here to rant about Ugochuckwu Ugonna’s book; who drove nearly all men in Lagos in mad? I don’t know the answer that Ugochukwu Ugonna had in mind, but after reading that book, I know for a fact that it was definitely not women that drove them mad.

You know how we’re usually told not to judge a book by its cover? This book was in fact, judged by its cover. If everyone else did not judge it by its cover, I did, because why is it looking like a pirated copy of one Kola Onadipe’s book in 2007? For a book that’s supposed to serve as a rebuttal, the cover could have been wayy better.

Let’s now get into the book gangan, because I have a lot to sayyy!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned after reading this book, it’s to always trust my gut feelings. When my friend told me there was a rebuttal book to Nearly All Men In Lagos Are mad, I just knew a man wrote it. Afterall, who else would write a rebuttal if not the “nearly all men” in question? I knew the book wasn’t going to come out well, and I was right. Let’s start with the grammatical structure

There’s a lot going on, I know.

When I mentioned this to someone earlier, he said “there are books with deliberate bad English, check out The Girl With Louding Voice.” Adunni’s character was written in first person, and the idea behind the bad English was to show her illiteracy, right? What could possibly be the idea behind this, if the bad English was deliberate? Deliberate to the point of writing smut with incorrect English? Toor. Peep the “lower her taste in men or compromise her values just a little bit to accommodate this gender said to be full of flaws.” The taste and values in question? Stella simply wanted a man that would accept her, as well as her religion, Stella simply wanted a man that would not want her for her body, Stella simply wanted a man that would accept that she wasn’t going to have sex before marriage, lmao. Stella should lower her standards and compromise those values, yet, men will come online to say they can’t marry a woman that’s not a virgin, or that a woman’s value is her body. Did Stealla drive nearly all the men in Lagos mad? Shey e fa pa Stella ni?

Now, let’s look into some of the stories that did not sit well with me at all. Most of the stories did not make sense to me, but these ones are just… I don’t even know.

In this particular story, an eighteen year old secondary school boy asks his junior, a sixteen year old devout christian, to be his girlfriend.

This love letter is actually a valid reason for the babe to cancel him sha, ninu gbogbo rogbadiyan yi?😭

At first, she simply did not respond to his letters, but when he kept pestering her, she reported him to the school principal. The principal called the guy out and asked him to read out the letters himself, in front of the whole school, and that was that. Years later, they met on a bind date, which was sponsored by the girl’s church by the way. The guy got back home, told his friend about who how he saw the girl, and how he was still in love with her. What did his friend say?

Heartless girl? Because she rejected him in secondary school? And how’s that related to who drove nearly all men in Lagos mad? Getting rejected in secondary school drove nearly all the men in Lagos mad? Or is it the fact that the girl blocked him right after the date? Abeg nau😭

This brings back memories from my Facebook days, even Wattpad was not this bad.

You see this one? I don’t even get it. At all. Shebi the story is supposed to be Who Drove Nearly All Men In Lagos Mad? All I see is a mad man. This story revolves around Bayo, an avid womanizer. Apparently, Bayo changes his partner every 3-5 working days, and most times, he takes them out of Nigeria. He sha met a woman that redirected her flight last minute because she had an emergency, and trust Bayo to insult the woman, because how dare her cancel his plans for her? On his way back home, Bayo found another woman’s purse in a cab, he checked the contents of the purse, and he managed to get her Instagram handle. Fast forward the story a little bit, and we find Bayo masturbating to the woman’s picture.

My dear newsletter audience, what did we carry? What did we throw?

He texted her and tried to rizz her up, but she did not budge. Bayo wanted to see her, she did not want to see Bayo. What did Bayo do? Wait for her at the airport without her permission. Priscilla, being the smart babe she was, had predicted this, because Bayo was so obviously obsessed with her (the story there wasn’t even clear, because Priscilla mentioned the airline she was taking mistakenly, and she did not realize that mistake, but somehow, she knew Bayo would be at the airport)

Priscilla was able to avoid meeting Bayo at the airport, after which she blocked him on Instagram (standing on business, purr)

Bayo proceeds to beg his friend, Williams, to text Priscilla and tell her that Bayo had never felt that way about a woman (it’s giving ‘our wife’) Williams texts Priscilla, and she suddenly realizes her love for Bayo. She finally agreed to let Bayo visit her, with the mindset that Bayo would run when he saw her in person, “because of a domestic fire that burnt a third of her once-very-beautiful face, five months ago.”

Now, tell me why Bayo saw Priscilla’s face and started throwing up? Even after she tried to warn him over texts and whatnot? Bayo went back home to Williams, told him about the whole thing, and guess what Williams said?

Is it ugly girl’s gas pipes that should rupture? Is it a must to eat bawo? Shey e fa pa wa ni? “Can’t marry a girl with a scarred face?” I can’t even-😭

Fast forward the story again, Bayo thought about it for a while, and he made up his mind. He decided he was in love with her, and he went to see her. I’ll have you know that Bayo did not knock when he got to her apartment, he simply walked in-no, I did not make that up, that’s how it is in the book-met her in the sitting room, took a few steps and gave her a tight hug. Priscilla did not return the hug, as she was confused. Then Bayo proceeded to tell her he had contacted a reconstructive plastic surgeon in the UK to remove the scar on her face.

*romantic music plays*

“He will take care of this for us.” Then Priscilla promptly bursts into tears, and they lived happily ever after after.

*romantic music intensifies”

My issue now, is that I fail to see how this story is supposed to tell us who drove nearly all the men in Lagos mad? Was it the numerous women Bayo slept with? Was it Priscilla, because of the scar on her face? And what kind of love story even is that? Contacting a surgeon without asking for a permission, walking into her house without knocking to announce it? Best in love? The plots in this book are just ridiculous, abeg.

Now, the main thing. The main koko. This right here, is why this book deserves to be canceled. Context? But of course.😚

The screenshot above is from a child’s point of view. Basically, the man in this story raped an eighteen year old, got her pregnant and married her. Naturally, the woman hates the man and the child born from the dirty act. And what did this particular story do? Invalidate the emotions of rape victims. The audacity of the man to even say “stop this foolishness.” And men expect women to see this and just.. Be quiet? The werey still had the audacity to say “let us heal together” heal together where? Shey fracture ni?😭

Men will come here and say “it’s just a work of fiction” and I will bang the nearest object on their heads. Yes, it is a work of fiction, but what kind of fiction is this? Rape glorification fiction? Fiction that is suggesting that after sixteen years, a woman should be able to get over rape? And again, is that what drove nearly all men in Lagos mad? That women can’t seem to get over rape after sixteen years? You people are not well.✋

I will not go without addressing the horrible smut in this book. I just can’t.

Now, what is this? Chinedu’s ululation? Ululation?? In case you didn’t know, ululation is not sexy, at all

Why will you ululate when you’re having sex? And it wasn’t just ululation o. Intense ululation. Helppppp!

***

Again what is this? Filling her waistline? Shey tank ni? Coating her buttocks? Shey paint ni? And he still managed to reach portions of her hair? Abeg nau😭✋

This was where I just lost it. “Thick viscous fluid?” Ugochukwu Ugonna, why? Just why?😭 And just how much semen can one man possess? This one that all his characters are just coating everywhere and filling everybody's waistline😔

Pool of moisture? Don't even get me started.🤣

***

Ninu gbogbo rogbadiyan yi, tell me why “feminity” is what Ugochukwu Ugonna used to replace vagina? Feminity? Really? Will he call penis “member?” Imagine feminity being the original word for vagina.

“rinse your feminity with clean water after using the toilet..”

“yes, Miss Bello, I am the gynecologist. What exactly is wrong with your feminity?”

Skrimssssss! I just can’t.

And the last paragraph of that book? I just-😭

In conclusion, Ugochukwu Ugonna is a banker. Personally, I think he should just stick to writing cheques. He should leave this kind of Literature for women. Apparently, this is not even his first book, it’s his third. Yes, third! Nearly all men in Lagos are mad is Damilare Kuku's first book, and she ate. Do whatever you will with that info. What can I say though? Congratulations to him.

If you have a different opinion about the book, let me know in the comments section. Thanks for reading!❤

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