You don't have Valentine ke??

Not on my watch.

Hello, my wonderful newsletter audience. I'm writing this at exactly 9:46 on February 13. Just a few hours to Valentine's day, and I'm here to give you tips on how to have your own valentine. By fire by force. It's coming this late so that you'll know that I mean business, and that I am confident in my tips. That being said, let's goo😌

• Plant a rose: Yes! If you plant a rose now, it will grow before tomorrow. Quote me anywhere. If you don't have rose seeds, plant agbalumo one. Yes, it will grow. If your own does not grow, it's your fault. It's because you have bad character, don't come back here to give my business a bad review. If you do, I will use pako to slap you. Tenks.

• Reply that message you've been ignoring for a few months now: Yes! Go and reply. This one is a bit tricky, because the person can vex and block you, but if you have tactics, it will work. For example, if the person says “you haven't texted me since, but you're here now?” Just say you were so excited when you got the person’s last message that you didn't know how to reply. You can even use AFCON rizz (Nigeria didn't win because that cup is not fine). If the person tries ignoring you, keep texting. If the person blocks you, text with another number. Abi send an email. This Valentine is by force.

• Wash your bonnet: This one's for the girls. You too, look at your bonnet nau. You've been wearing it for a couple of weeks straight. Kanipe you're a bonnet ni, would you pray for the person that is wearing you like that to find love? No? Exactly. Wash it, put starch so that the bonnet will help you to find strong love, then relax and wait for love to find you.

• Do men mount: You see this one ehn, it comes with a couple of side effects. For example, you might get slapped and your face will swell, police can even carry you, but that's none of your business. You're a strong woman/man. What you'll do is insert yourself inside somebody’s date. Yes! Insert yourself. You'll find one posh restaurant and wear fine outfit, and you'll carry plastic chair or apoti with you.

  You'll now find a table with a couple, then you'll put your chair/apoti beside them and join their conversation by fire by force. If they look at you somehow, do your own back. You must not gree for anybody. If they say “who are you?!” Don't answer them, just cut small chicken from the food on their table. If they call police, tell them Najwa sent you (I'll deny your pops pa) don't go to all those buka o, they'll use eba hand to slap you and me I'm not responsible for any damages.

• Hate: Yes! Hate those relationship people. The heat in this country is enough to cook oxtail and cow leg, and Nigeria did not win AFCON, but they're finding time to do love? What nonsense is that? For this one ehn, you'll have scissors and some other materials with you. Bonus point if you can even find fan belt. If you're going on the road and you pass someone that is carrying a bouquet, cut it! If somebody posts any nonsense love thing, report their page immediately and block them. You don't need that nonsense in your life when rice is now 70k per bag🙄 if you see cake, take knife and cut it. If you like, cut cake that will turn you to goat, that one no concern me, you must sha hate. If you see any couple doing PDA, that's where your fan belt comes in. If you don't do that Valentine, nobody else deserves to do it. The world revolves around you.

Spoil relationships: Tonight, take screenshots, prepare voice notes, screen record, everything. Tomorrow, when somebody posts anything, just send it and caption it “this you?” If you see any couples picnicing, throw slippers for them. They can't do anything to you.

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That being said, let's give these nonsense relationship people some tips too. I'm very nice, I know. And that's why I'll be sharing a list of things you can do for your partner for Valentine's day, as well as places you can go for dates and whatnot.

• Buy portable fan: Apparently, hell fire is leaking because what is this heat??? If you don't want your partner to die because of the horrible heat, buy fan for them.

• Boil groundnuts for them: This one doesn't need any explanation. Boil groundnuts to keep the flame of your relationship going, you get me?

• Do petrol station date: Guys, remember that time when Ibrahim took me on a date to petrol station? Try it out, it's actually a very nice experience. Bonus point if you put ogi inside cooler, just be inhaling petrol and drinking your love ogi. Put your ogi inside red and white cup so the people there won't disturb you, they'll understand that it's Valentine's day that you're doing.

• Buy toothpaste: Yes! Toothpaste. You and your partner’s mouths use to smell. (I'm throwing this one in for the haters. I see you)

That's all for now. If I still feel this generous tomorrow, I'll come and add more. Until then, happy Valentine's day, my wonderful newsletter audience! Muah