I ALMOST GOT MARRIED.

But his daddy had mouth odour and his mummy was smelling like he-goat.

“My parents want to meet you.” I was casually beating my meat when Ibrahim, my boyfriend for fifteen years said that to me. Yes, beating my meat, I know you know.

Anyways, I was very happy when he told me his parents finally wanted to meet me, consistency is the key, he told me to get ready, that he would pick me up in two hours. Sharp sharp, I took a warm bath, then I called one of Ibrahim's friends to ask him a few questions like Ibrahim's surname, his age, and all those things. The only thing I knew about the love of my life was the length of his rod and how long he could last in bed. Don't look at me like that. Anyways, after learning the basics about Ibrahim, I started doing my make up, at first, I wanted to keep the makeup simple, but because I didn't want to be caught unfresh, in case Ibrahim's daddy or one of his uncles turned out to be hot, rich and single. Or married. I went all out with my make-up, and soon, I was ready to go.

Ibrahim came, pulled up in his cool ride- a classy, rickety cab like no other-and i got in, feeling like madam, those single bithces couldn't relate. The ride took about two hours, the traffic was not heavy and aside from the occasional jerking of Ibrahim's car, it was smooth.

“Boda Ibrahim!” a young boy came running out of an uncompleted building, it took all my strength to stifle a laugh when i got a proper look at the boy’s head. It was simply massive. We sha entered the building, and I saw Ibrahim's parents, and some of his uncles sitting on one long bench. I said hi to them all, but they all just stared at me, what? Do they not say hi around here? I was already regretting the heavy makeup I put on, because I couldn't find any hot uncles, they all had kwashiokor heads and pako mouths. I decided to greet his dad again, because the man was still staring at me, but this time, I moved closer to him before I said hi. When the man opened his mouth to talk, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I had been smelling he-goat since we got there, but I didn't know there was still something like this.

I look around frantically when I realised I didn't bring a nose mask with me. Messup.

“Are you okay?” Ibrahim's daddy asked me, and I felt tears gather in my eyes. I was yet to recover from the first wave of shock, and he was already talking again? Somehow, I ended up having to sit between Ibrahim's daddy and mummy, that was when I discovered that all along, there was no he-goat, it was Ibrahim's mummy.

“So what is your name?” Ibrahim's daddy asked, the smell of his mouth assaulting every single one of my nose hairs, and his mummy kept leaning into me, I just couldn't take it anymore. “Daddy, but your mouth is smelling o.” I saw Ibrahim's eyes widen, and one of his kwashiokor head uncles started saying something about how rude I was, simply because I said somebody's mouth is smelling? I decided to kill two birds with one stone and I told them Ibrahim's mummy was smelling like he-goat. Everyone went wild. Ibrahim pulled me out and furiously told me to get into the car, I wonder why he was angry like that. When we got back home, Ibrahim told me never to call him again.

Personally, I think it was that his friend that I called that went to snitch and told Ibrahim I didn't know his surname , because what else would make Ibrahim not want anything to do with me?🙄

Moral lesson? Know your boyboyfriend's surname, and take nose mask when you're going to meet his parents.