dramatic entrance

Oya clear the road mehn.

May 26, 2024

*tiptoes in*

*cough, cough*

This is.. Awkward, to say the least. But um, hi?😭 life has been showing me shege and I've been reading plenty ugly school books, so I haven't had time (this is why you people should contribute plenty monies for me so that I can run away from school🧍‍♀️)

But now that I'm back (for now) hello, my wonderful newsletter audience. Today, I am here to tell you guys a bunch of stuff that none of you asked for. Remember to subscribe if you're new here, like, leave a comment and share🙂‍↔️💕

On Ibrahim and his family

You people know I left Ibrahim and his foolish family after that 50 naira thing, because a soft girl like me can't be suffering with their rubbish body odor all the time. The issue now is that I heard Ibrahim won lotto and he now has bastard money. You guys know I don't like money, I'm not like other girls or anything. Just that now that I think about it, maybe that body odor wasn't so bad, and Ibrahim's kwashiokor head is actually an aesthetic on its own.

That being said, it's not that I want to go back o, I'm just telling you people, so that you'll know that I'm not a gold digger like other girls. But if somebody wants to beg ex husband that has a mommy with body odor and a daddy with a mouth odor, how will somebody do it? I'm asking for a friend, nobody should come and judge me✋🏾🧍‍♀️

On hustle chronicles

You will be sitting calmly in your one room apartment, cursing NEPA occasionally for not giving you light, even with this bastard heat. You will be hungry, but you will look at your account balance, sigh, and continue eating your food for thoughts. MTN will send you a notification, and you will sigh again because you have been managing your 200mb, but boredom wants to kill you.

That is when you will decide to open Twitter, then you will see Kim Oprah's outfit for the Bridgerton event, and a voice in your head will tell you that you can sew that outfit. Kanipe you have sense, you will know that you're supposed to ignore the voice and keep scrolling with your 195.7mb, but you don't. You don't have sense. And so you will carry your empty head and dig out the rusty sewing machine that the old landlady kept in one corner of the room, and you will say that you are a tailor. Najwa the tailor.

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After cleaning the old sewing machine, I used Canva to create a flier for my business and waited patiently for my first customer. I got it after three weeks, and I hit it big. One primary school like that wanted to do interposed sports, and they asked me to sew 60 pieces of sportswear. That was not the problem o, because what is common ordinary sportswear that I cannot sew? Me that is creative like mad?

Anyways, after I collected the money, I decided to go out small. You know, just a lirru shopping🙈 if you've been part of my wonderful newsletter audience for a while now, you will know that I don't even like money like that, and I am also very responsible. It's just that sometimes, I get carried away😔

One week passed, but because I'm very creative and I don't even need time like that, I let it sit. Two weeks, I went on a girls' trip to Ikorodu with Biliqeesu, all bills on me🤭 that was how I continued until it remained one week. Then, I got to work.

It's not that I'm unoriginal or anything, but because I'm a soft babe and I just got back from my girls' trip, my creative side was tired, so I couldn't really tap into it. So I decided to not stress myself too much, and I entered five minute crafts. Now, if you know these people, you will know that their crafts can be a little... Crafty. But because I'm smart, I knew I could make it work, and I did. Forget all those times I said I don't have sense, I actually do have sense. Like mad🧍‍♀️

Now, after all the stress that I went through, tell me why these people came to carry the sportswear that I sew for them, and they started shouting.

One teacher like that: What is this?

Me: Which question is that? Shebi you people asked for sportswear?

One teacher like that: Yes, so why did you gum bottle and net?

Me: It is sportswear. Crafty sportswear, you people don't like crafts??

Another teacher like that: What is this one?

Me: That is the ribbon you people asked for.

Another teacher like that: Is this not paynt that you cut?

And that was where I lost it, because that foolish teacher was there when I measured the head of their pupils. If not that they're wicked, they will not ask me to do ribbon because is it inside all those kwashiorkor heads that they want to put ribbon? I even went out of my way to be crafty, and they still came to insult me??

One teacher like that: Okay.. What about the one for the staff that we asked you to sew?

Me: Staff ke?

One teacher like that: Najwa, are you okay?

Me: Oya sorry, don't shout. Just that me I've done mistake and I threw you people's measurements away.

Another teacher like that: But our inter house sports is in two weeks, what is this rubbish?

Me: This thing dinnur cause fight. I'll just re-measure you guys.

They sha said okay, and I took my tape measure (notice how I did not say tape rule? That's because I'm a professional tailor, you people should bring your wedding asho, let me sew for you) and I started the measurements.

Me: Do you like goat meat?

One teacher like that: Not really, why?

Me: Nothing. Do you know Mommy Ibrahim?

One teacher like that: No. Who is that?

Me: Somebody I used to know. You have her scent.

One teacher like that: Wow, thank you so much.

Me:

Fast forward a little bit, why is police now chasing me, you guys? Because me I don’t understand. What did I even do for police to be chasing me?? I really don't understand, and that's why I came to tell you, my wonderful newsletter audience. You guys understand me all the time🥹 that being said, my tailoring business is still very much alive, please bring deals. Thank you🤭

On books and orisirisi

Last year, I set a goal for myself. And the goal was to read at least one book from all African countries. Guess what? Who is a clown?? Najwa is a clownnn 🤡

I have read 34 books this year, and I am nowhere close to that goal I set for myself, because I have just been reading anything and everything. Also, I've been finding it really hard to get into books these days, helppp😔✋🏾

Somebody said I should read Mechanics of Yenogoa, that it is funny and it sounds like something I would write, did not finish it, somebody said I should read Ginika's bridesmaids when I was talking about the trauma that African books always give me, but the covers have been haunting me. If you read my review about who drove nearly all Lagos men mad, then you will know that I judge books by their covers gan, and what are those drawings on the Ginika books??😭😭 Again, somebody said I should read Only For The Week, but I didn’t make it past ten pages because it was very much giving cliché wattpad romance.

Some of the books that I did finish and genuinely enjoyed are The Pearl That Broke Its Shell, Butter Honey Pig Bread, We Were Girls Once etc etc, but I'll talk about The Pearl That Broke Its Shell because it reminded me of A Thousand Splendid Suns. I won't go into details here, because I'll just go on and on and spoil the book, but I'll show you some of my bookmarks, because I love you people.

I'm not sure if the book is Arab literature per say, but one things I've noticed about books like it, apart from the way i get teary-eyed each time i turn the pages, is the way it is usually written in two different POVs, and how they manage to connect the two so beautifully well. In this book, Shekiba and-

Let me just keep quiet. But yes, I loved it very much. If you liked A Thousand Splendid Suns, then you should definitely check it out.

In Osas' voice: Is this a safe space? No? I don’t care. It's my newsletter🙂‍↔️

I want to ask you dark romance girlies a genuine question.. Is everything okay?😭✋🏾 last week, I don't know what carried me to look for yt book recommendations on Tiktok, but I went there. Next thing, I was hearing

"He's a 10, but he tried to drown her..."

"He's a 10, but he hit her with his car and broke her legs.."

"He's a 10, but he also poked holes in the condom..."

And that was when I paused. Hard. Poked holes in kini?? Hit her with his car and whattt?? I now said I should check the comments section, and-

"Omg I loved *insert book character* he's so hot"

"*insert book character* is cute, but *insert book character* should do me next🧍‍♀️*

Are you people okay? They're poking holes in condoms (which is abuse, by the way) and you're there, fangirling??? Breaking legs and trying to drown somebody you "love"?? Which romance is that? This is not to "shame" or "dictate" what anybody chooses to read, but in my opinion, I think books like that should not even exist because why is "kinks" like CNC being normalized inside you people's romance?? I mean, there's nothing wrong with all those mafia stories, if that is what you like, but romanticising abuse and rape is where I draw the line, because CNC?? Ye.

Some of you will come and say "but these books have trigger warnings" another person will say "but it's fiction" another one will say "it's not that deep" and I will bang ṣíbí obè (soup spoon) on your heads.

Anyways, that is not the koko of this newsletter, but yeah.

Also, some of these writers need to know when to include that “touch her and die” trope. It doesn't make any sense in office romance nau. It's different if it's like, the CEO and all, but why will a co-worker be doing “touch her and die?” Oya i have touched her, what will you do? Report me to HR?? Abeg abeg.

Oh, and.. Enemies to lovers is my favorite romance trope, because the tension, the sizzling chemistry, the knife to neck scene?? Yesss.. But I feel like it can only work in books, because in real life, why are you falling for your literal opp??💀 shey ko si? Especially all those bully ones. If not that something is wrong with you, why are you falling for the boy that used to put rags in your lunch when you were in school?💀✋🏾 I'll just slap you danu.

Anywaysss

A few newsletters ago, I came to spread the gospel of Paz's chapbook, and plenty people have read it with good reviews. I could go on and on about this chapbook, but Substack will give me give me a big knock on my head😔

Anyways, these two are my favorite poems🥹

On movies and orisirisi

You people know that I usually don't talk about movies. In fact, I don't think I've ever talked about movies here... But I must spread the Derry Girls gospel. I started watching it mainly because of Nicola (Penelope from Bridgerton) but it's soo funny😭 you people must watch it.

*blows powerful juju powder*

Random kini

A couple of newsletters ago, in my September to remember one, I think.. I mentioned men and how they pee on walls, and I want to skrimm again because why nau? Stop👏peeing👏🏾on👏🏾walls👏🏾