Being a queer woman in Nigeria
The absolute ghetto?
Hello, our wonderful newsletter audience. We decided to ask seven queer women some questions, especially about what it feels like to be queer in Nigeria. Dena will be sharing the answers that she got after asking questions, so grab a popcorn and join Dena as she shares the experiences of the beautiful women she got to meet.
Hello, everyone. Today is Sunday. On Friday, I saw a post on X about being queer in Nigeria and how it’s the absolute ghetto. I’ve always known that a lot of Nigerians are openly homophobic, but i’ve never really had a conversation about it per say, except with Pelumi, a co-founder of Giggles and Gele.
The post really had me wondering what it actually feels like, and so I sent out invitations to seven queer women. Five of them accepted the invite, but the other two were out of town. We chose a cute ice cream shop/cozy bookstore and agreed to meet on Saturday. I was excited, but i was nervous at the same time. What would I say? What do I wear? What if i say something offensive?
I finally made a list of questions, chose to wear something cute and casual, and went to bed. I woke up on Saturday with cramps, but I could not afford to cancel my date with the women. I dragged myself out of bed and decided to have yam for breakfast. Now, i’m normally not a big fan of yam, but my period cravings can be weird like that. The issue was after I sliced the yam and it was.. Rotten? You know that black and green thing that yam has when it’s bad? Yes, that thing. I wanted to cry because yam is not good in this Tinubu economy? kuku kill me.
I later settled for garri, groundnut and cucumber (don’t look at me like that. My period cravings) and then i got dressed and headed to the ice cream shop.
Anjie, one of the women was already there. She wore a beautiful Yellow dress and I recognized her as soon as I entered. She waved me over with a big smile and I relaxed immediately. This isn’t going to be hard after all. Soon, the other women arrived and we were ready to start talking. I told them I would ask questions, and that they didn’t need to answer if they weren’t comfortable with any of the questions. Before I continue, I’ll introduce them to you guys so you don’t get confused.
Anjie is a lesbian who used to identify as bi. She loves reading books, and she is a wicked Yoruba woman. The color of her gele is Blue, and it represents her wickedness
Ade is an enby lesbian, which means they are non-binary lesbian. They are trying to go into polyam, but they are jealous. Polyam means Ade and their partner can both like the same person, and that each of them can have a lover each, outside the relationship. Their gele is Purple, it represents their resilience and their not-so-subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Betty is a lesbian. Her gele is Red and White. Red to represent the pepper that she shows men, and white to represent peace, joy and sincerity for women.
Pelumi is not a stranger, she is a co-fonder of this newsletter and her gele is White. It represents her feminism. The decision of traveling to her village to swear for her boss still stands and she's working on it.
Reggie is a lesbian. Her gele is Beige. She badly wants to say that Beige represents her being a conqueror, but her gele represents pain and hurt, and the fear and panic that she feels each time she thinks she has been outed.
Now that we’ve done that, let’s get into the questions I had, and their answers.
How did you discover your sexuality? Was it like, an active decision that you made or were you just never attracted to men?
Anjie: Compulsory heterosexuality dealt with me…I realized I was never attracted to men, I just felt I should be attracted to them. I realized this after I started dating my girlfriend, it felt completely different. My past involvements with men was also enough to let me know.
Reggie: I won’t say “I found out. ” I’ve always just liked women. In fact, it was normal to me until I found out it wasn’t normal to other people.
Reggie stopped talking because we all decided to get ice cream. I got mine in chocolate, Anjie got vanilla, Pelumi got strawberry, Betty got mint and Ade got a mixture of chocolate and vanilla. For a moment, it seemed like we were all in our own elements. Reggie was the first person to break the silence.
Reggie: Oh yeah, where did I stop? I thought it was normal, until I found out that some people find it disgusting, to say the least. I got reported as a child a couple of times to my parents because when others were doing “mummy and daddy” plays I used to very much look for a wife instead.
So for me? It’s just always been there.
Betty: I've really, like, found girls really hot, and I'd imagine things in my head. But then, I wouldn't understand what the feeling was because I kind of didn't know that we could love the same sex or gender or whatever as ourselves. So I tried to date guys, and I just hated the thought of them. Even the thought of them touching me made me want to puke. I honestly tried to date guys and I looked forward to breaking up with them. I was mean to them, plus for me, it was really easy to hate men.
Ade: Hmm.. Summary is.. I had a “gf” when i was in JSS not knowing it was illegal or that homophobia exists. I moved to a new area, discovered homophobia; found a closet, rotted there, dated a guy when people started suspecting; discovered social media, saw that i wasn’t cursed or the only one in the world; left the closet, went to uni, a bi-curious girl used me as case study, ran back to the closet;made queer friends, we destroyed the closet together,I came back out, got multiple heartbreak but the closet is destroyed, stayed and now in love.
Pelumi: I was groomed when i was 12 but i didn’t hate it.
Dena: Groomed?
Pelumi: I was touched. It wasn’t raped, but I had sex with a fifteen year old, basically.
They say it’s one thing to be queer, but it’s another thing to be queer in Nigeria. What is it like?
I knew they would have a lot to share concerning this, so I wasn’t surprised when Reggie said “omooooo”
Betty: I'm in the closet closet. The innermost closet, they're just a few of my guys that know I'm queer. No member of my family knows because they are homophobic as eff and I'm always scared of their reaction if they eventually find out. So I'm forced to be in the closet. At least, I'm not that brave to come out to anybody that isn't supportive for now. I don’t know if you get me..
Dena: I understand.
The other women nodded in agreement.
Dena: How do you deal with it?
Betty: I'm just staying in the closet honestly. I have beautiful people from the community, we live and love, so that keeps me going for now. Sometimes, I wish it didn't have to be this way, you have to hide hide hide. It's so exhausting, you know? I sometimes think about running away with the love of my life when we eventually meet ourselves. To a new country where nobody knows us, and just live and love…
Dena: I can be your getaway driver.
Betty: Carry us to Australia please. I want to go to the end of the world.
Dena: But.. it has plenty snakes.
Betty: Are snakes not more bearable than the homophobia here? At least, i can hold hands in public, kiss my partner while avoiding the snakes..
Dena: I’m sorry you have to deal with all that. Reggie, what’s it like for you? Being a queer woman in Nigeria..
Reggie: Like i said earlier, omoooo.
She put down her now empty ice cream container.
Reggie: “You’re still a woman in the end.” I’m a masculine presenting queer person, somehow people think that equals to me wanting to be a man. Hello ohhhhhh, I like women as a woman, I don’t want to be a man liking women. I love being a woman who loves women. And what’s with the conversion preeq, a good percent of men have offered to “change me” insisting it’s because I’ve not have a bit of their golden staff I like women.
I had to roll my eyes at the last part, because even straight women have to deal with that. I could only imagine how annoying it must be for a queer woman.
Dena: So how do you deal with it?
Reggie: I’m an openly gay person to an extent and that has come with threats, some even to life. But like, I tell my best friend. And then again, I feel like i’m at a point where I don’t care anymore. You want to off me cause I’m bumping coochie with other women?? Have a go at it. With this economy, you’d be doing me a favor.
Pelumi: For me, I just have to deal with the stereotypes. They think the fact that something bad happened made me choose to be queer. If I wasn’t groomed I would still be queer. And i don’t try to deal with it. I just ignore. There’s no point in arguing with daft people.
Anjiee: Mehnn…it’s the ghetto. It can be very lonely at times especially for someone like me that isn’t visibly queer. I struggled for years, I never had queer friends or knew queer people closely. And everyone around is homophobic…it’s depressing how your family members might never accept you. When I still identified as a bisexual, trying to date men was hell…fetishization left and right. And then the bi-curious women... They use you and then return to their boyfriends. The stereotype I mainly deal with is people assuming I must have suffered in the hands of men and that’s why I am gay. A friend of mine literally asked if it was because I got saed, she said that that’s probably why I am a lesbian, I was so annoyed. I cope by engaging with fellow queer women on twitter…I started using twitter last year December, and it has been easier to deal with.
They say it’s the western culture, but then Yoruba is a gender less language.
Dena: Actually… I feel like once Africans, generally, find something unnatural, they blame it on colonalization and the western culture.
Anjie: Exactly. The fetishization is a lot, but I am happy about the fact that currently men no longer approach me…it’s one of the best thing that has happened to me. When I started deconstructing Christianity around 2022, it was also part of the fact that I am queer…couldn’t go to church for months, I felt like I would combust to flames. As a queer woman, we don’t really have a lot of safe spaces because even some queer men are still very much misogynistic. My girlfriend makes it easy for me sha.
Ade, who had been quiet for a while, cleared their throat.
Ade: I’m masc presenting and not straight passing at all; it’s a bittersweet trait. As much as I want to be comfortable, the society makes me uncomfortable. Is it the stares, the unsolicited advice from strangers, even family, is it the harassment and objectification? It’s like a lot of things and each one is terrible than the last.
Everyone assumes i’m gay, and that’s fine with me, they assume I worship idols too, because I have dreadlocs and cowries. I don’t have a problem with that either, lecturers assume i’m an empty brain and i’ve been proving them wrong since 2019. I don’t know if this is a stereotype, but men tend to assume i’m some sort of “challenge” that they must win, I deal with that by blocking them. I don’t have time.
What’s usually people’s reaction when you come out?
Reggie: From the women, it’s usually support. Funny enough, the bi-curious ones suddenly decide I’m their New Guinea pig. The others insist “it was obvious.” From 86% of men I’ve told, it’s been threats or preaching. 5% want a threesome with me and their babe, 5% are gay and are like “pure queen.”
Dena: The remaining 5?
Reggie: “As long as you’re not my sister, carry on”
Dena: Ughh. As if you asked for their permission. Pelumi, you want to go next?
Pelumi: They’re usually not surprised.
Anjie: I can relate. The first person I came out to was my cousin… she literally said no wonder…then I came out as bisexual. The other two were very chill about it too.
Ade: Some of my friends knew before i said anything, I came out to one of my coursemates and she said “I hope you don’t like me, i like men o” that was the last time we spoke.
Are you in a relationship right now?
Anjie: Yes! I am oo. I am in a loving relationship with a gender-fluid person, but they still identify as a woman. The love of my life.
Ade: Yes, today is our one month anniversary sef.
Dena: Aww, congratulations.
Pelumi: I am. I love her soo much.
Reggie: Not right now, i’m not.
Is your relationship private or are you open about it?
Ade: I’m open about it; although i’ve not exactly “come out” to my family but everyone else knows.
Anjie: My roommates know I am in a relationship but they think it’s a man. The people fully aware are my cousin, and three of my friends.
Pelumi: It’s a secret, open to only close friends.
Reggie: When I get in a relationship, it’ll be open.
Are your parents or family members aware? Do you plan on telling them anytime soon? And do you think you’ll ever be able to get married to a woman?
Pelumi: No, i’ve actually come to peace with the fact that i’ll never come out to my parents. And nah, I don’t think i’ll ever get to marry a woman.
Ade: If you mean soon as in next two years, then yes. And about marrying a woman, I don’t only believe it, it’s the only possibility.
Angie: Nahh…I feel like at some point they will realize. And I don’t think i’ll ever get to marry a woman, I don’t want to keep my hopes up. Being a lesbian just makes you realize that you might never be with the person you love, but it’s freeing. Women are elite. Also, being bisexual kinda means I can still marry a man and hide…if you get me.
Betty: Honestly, when i find my person, whatever she wants, I'll do so long as we're going to be together. My plan is to leave the country anyways, so i believe the dream of marrying a woman is still very much alive.
Dena: I hope things work out for all of you the way you want it to.
Do you have anything else you want to add? Something you forgot to mention earlier? Or any random thing.
Betty: Like I said, I think about running away sometimes. But then, I'll still think of my family and friends, i honestly don't know why it's difficult to detach from them cause it's always so easy for me to do away with stupid homophobes. But let’s just see how things go.
Dena: The getaway driver offer still stands.
Betty smiled. A very beautiful smile, to say the least.🤗
Ade: My art of not giving a fuck art isn’t subtle.
Dena: Noted.
I feel like Ade is the type of woman that will give you blow if you carry nonsense to their side. I loved it.
Anjie: Finding out I am a lesbian was very depressing. I cried a lot. So if you’re like me and you’re starting to explore your sexuality, just take your time. The sexuality doesn’t completely define you and it can change…it’s just a form of self discovery. And it gets better. I’m better. Period.
Dena: I love you very much to marry you.
Anjie laughed. I laughed too.
Pelumi: How much am I expecting?
Dena: Five naira.
Pelumi: Gerrout.
Pelumi should kuku carry gun.
Reggie: I’m sleepy o.
Dena: Oya, bye bye.
I was the last person to leave the cafe. I kept thinking about the conversation. My God, those women are strong. Being queer in Nigeria does seem like the absolute ghetto. My heart goes out to all the queer women who have to hide and are constantly in fear of being outed, I hope you find your own people and that one day, you get to be yourself without having to hide. To all the wonderful women that agreed to come on this newsletter, thank you all so much. I love all of you so much to marry you. Muah!
There you have it, Big ups to Dena for the wonderful interview, we appreciate the women who shared their experiences with us. Remember to invite your girlfriends, the more the merrier! If you enjoyed this newsletter, make sure you like, comment and share. Also, if you’d like more of these interviews, let us know the next topic you want us to check out. Trust Dena to always deliver!😜
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An interesting one. I love
What a lovely read!